Niugini Gold

Written by PETER JOKISIE

 It was a cool Friday evening in Townsville and two college guys named Jake and Danny had scored the hottest weed on the market and hanging out at Danny’s room watching TV and getting stoned.

“Holy smokes, this is the best grass I’ve ever smoked in my life!” Jake exhaled a happy cloud of thick smoke, coughing between syllables. “Where’d you get this grass Danny?”

“This dude Shaggie from my botany class hooked me up, he’s from up North,” Danny puffed. “They call this weed the Niugini Gold.

“Like the country?”

“Like the country.” Danny tossed a small packet of weed to Jake, the label spelt N-i-u-g-i-n-G-o-l-d. “It’s the new classic on the streets.”

“How much?” Jake opened the pack and sniffed. “O my god, smells like Aphrodite’s perfume, I could freaking live in there!”

“Five-O.”

“Fifty bucks? Man you could get a hundo for this!”

“I know but it’s new so the dollar rep is building slowly!”

“I’m so happy I was born in this era!” Jake took a long drag on the roll.

“You know they say money can’t buy happiness but you can buy weed and that’s pretty close,” Danny said.

“So enlighten me about this Niugini Gold.”

“Hmm, grow on the mountains of New Guinea- green leaves with pink stems and this Monsoon air flow brings in fertile dirt that mixes with the flowers giving it this incredible flavour; it’s very scientific, I won’t get into that.”

“So I guess there’s a load of this grass up there?”

“Yeah man. There’s an endless secret plantation in a small valley surrounded by high rising mountains like skyscrapers.”

“Like a secret paradise huh?” Jake exhaled and coughed loudly with tears in his eyes. “Awww, this is so incredible, dopest dope I’ve ever smoked!”

“We should probably go on a tour there, smoke it from the branches you know,” Danny said.

“You mean to secret paradise? Wait they could have like panda bears and dragons guarding their plantation!”

“Dude, there are no panda bears in New Guinea,” Danny snickered.

“I’m telling you mate, a secret paradise like that would have panda bears and unicorns too. I mean this grass is like fairy dusts, this is the biz-nizz.”

“I could see dollar signs right now,” Danny pretended with the picking-motion of plucking things out of the air.

“They say folks up in New Guinea always get aggressive and do crazy things when they’re stoned,” Jake inhaled and held his breath, cherishing the sweet essence of the weed.

“Well that’s because they’re smoking Cannabis sativa. What they need is Cannabis indica like this strain right here.” Danny stated, taking the joint from his mate.

“What’s the difference?”

Sativa is the taller plant with long narrow leaves that has a high CBD content- the thing that makes you hyper. Indica is the much shorter herb with stubby leaves that has a high THC content- the thing that makes you relaxed.”

“Ah, I see.” Jake nodded his thick blond head.

“Everybody wants Niugini Gold man, we could travel there, haul some down south and make truckload of cash. I’m talking dollars, I’m talking money, I’m all about stacking red lobsters and pineapples up to the ceiling!”

“Yeah man money doesn’t grow on trees, it grows on grass, let’s do it” Jake laughed.

Some CNN guy on the TV reporting a terrorist explosion caught Jake’s attention. “Man, what is wrong with those terrorists, blowing up everything?”

“Those fools need to let down the bombs and pick up the bongs, you know what I’m saying?” Danny smiled.

“Yeah, yeah if we all had a bong, we’d all get along.” Jake sang. “As a matter of fact, if the whole world smoke a joint at the same time, there’d be world peace for at least two hours!”

“Huh- uh, followed by a global food shortage,” Danny chorused.

“War on terror and now it’s war on weed? Why do they need a damn war on weed?” Jake complained.

“Well, one thing I’m sure of in this war on weed is that if they happen to set a plantation of weed on fire…” Danny had a corky grin. “We certainly won’t bother to call the fire department.”

“War on weed, pffftt! They say weed is illegal, yeah, so is the music on your iPod!” Jake smirked.

“It’s a strange thing when you make nature illegal. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake,” Danny shook his head.

“Yeah man, well somewhere in the bible God said you gotta smoke weed,” Jake piped.

“Hey do you think God gets high too?” Danny asked.

“I think so, I mean look at the platypus,” Jake choked and slapped his chest. “Dan man this dope is super awesome, I could smoke this til I die.”

“You would never hear of a person overdosing on marijuana. Asprin on the other hand is perfectly legal but if you take thirteen of those, it’ll be your last headache,” Danny coughed laughing.

“People complain that life sucks and I tell them, you need to get high cuz there’s a chemical in weed that’s called ‘fuck-it’ and if you could just get that into your system one time, it could change your life.” Jake inhaled deeply.

“I want to deal with my problems by becoming rich. That’s my only goal in life- get rich or die trying,” Danny exclaimed.

“Amen brother. You know what, dial Shaggie’s digits and get his ass down here cuz I just thought of a biznizz proposition for him.”

“Nah man, smoke up, we’ll swing by to his room, I know where his crib is,” Danny blew a perfect ring up into the ceiling.

“Cool, let’s roll.”

“Hang on fool, crash that butt ‘fore we roll,” Danny grabbed his keys and wallet. “O, and his room entry password is ‘Stoner’s Garage.’

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